I was at a prayer meeting tonight and as I was standing praising God, arms outstretched to receive more of Him, I envisioned my heart as a tiny room bursting at the seams with boxes. BOXES!?!?!? Of all shapes and sizes, themselves bursting at the seams. They were scattered everywhere so that there was little space in the room to maneuver or even see out the windows! Then it became clear that these boxes were labeled. “Zachary” “Dad” “Finances” “Fertility” “Weight” “Shame” “Sins” “Anger” “Fear” “Grief”
I knew He was asking me to lay each and every box at the foot of His cross. To “clean out my heart” as it were. So I obediently tried to bring Him the first box. But I couldn’t walk away from it. I could not leave it there with Him. It’s not that I don’t trust Him or want to be rid of the contents!! No, I simply felt compelled to sit, the way you do when you are going through an old box you find in the attic, and to sift through the contents of it with Him. I realized that with the emotional events in my life I tend to pack them up into a box to be dealt with later. I pull them out occasionally to peek at the contents and then I put them ALL back away in storage rather than pulling out the box and truly purging the contents for once and for all! So, I have a bunch of boxes to go through. It’s going to be painful.
I started tonight with the box labeled “Zachary”. Sitting in that church tonight I journaled for quite some time about my anger.
I am angry.
I am angry that the young girl lied to us.
I am angry that she put us through this ordeal.
I am angry that she faked a pregnancy to get a boyfriend back and then couldn’t own up to it and lied again and again to us, promising US a baby. To our FACES!
I am angry that she took advantage of our kindness and our compassion.
I am angry that she accepted gifts of maternity clothes from us.
I am angry that she let us take her to nice, expensive lunches, insisting that she get a good meal for her & the baby.
I am angry that she faked an ultrasound picture and emailed it to us.
I am angry that she got to know us so well and had such power over us.
I am angry that she told us that Zachary had died.
I am angry that she hasn’t apologized.
I am angry.
There’s more in the box, for certain. But this is a big one.
I prayed fervently tonight that God would heal me of my anger towards this young woman. Won’t you pray with me? I know I am “supposed” to forgive her but that can only come after my healing I think. Or is that that through forgiving her I am healed even further, perhaps both… please pray with me that my heart will soften, the anger will be healed and eventually I can forgive.