I was at a prayer meeting tonight and as I was standing praising God, arms outstretched to receive more of Him, I envisioned my heart as a tiny room bursting at the seams with boxes. BOXES!?!?!? Of all shapes and sizes, themselves bursting at the seams. They were scattered everywhere so that there was little space in the room to maneuver or even see out the windows! Then it became clear that these boxes were labeled. “Zachary” “Dad” “Finances” “Fertility” “Weight” “Shame” “Sins” “Anger” “Fear” “Grief”

I knew He was asking me to lay each and every box at the foot of His cross. To “clean out my heart” as it were. So I obediently tried to bring Him the first box. But I couldn’t walk away from it. I could not leave it there with Him. It’s not that I don’t trust Him or want to be rid of the contents!! No, I simply felt compelled to sit, the way you do when you are going through an old box you find in the attic, and to sift through the contents of it with Him. I realized that with the emotional events in my life I tend to pack them up into a box to be dealt with later. I pull them out occasionally to peek at the contents and then I put them ALL back away in storage rather than pulling out the box and truly purging the contents for once and for all! So, I have a bunch of boxes to go through. It’s going to be painful.

I started tonight with the box labeled “Zachary”. Sitting in that church tonight I journaled for quite some time about my anger.

I am angry.
I am angry that the young girl lied to us.
I am angry that she put us through this ordeal.
I am angry that she faked a pregnancy to get a boyfriend back and then couldn’t own up to it and lied again and again to us, promising US a baby. To our FACES!
I am angry that she took advantage of our kindness and our compassion.
I am angry that she accepted gifts of maternity clothes from us.
I am angry that she let us take her to nice, expensive lunches, insisting that she get a good meal for her & the baby.
I am angry that she faked an ultrasound picture and emailed it to us.
I am angry that she got to know us so well and had such power over us.
I am angry that she told us that Zachary had died.
I am angry that she hasn’t apologized.
I am angry.

There’s more in the box, for certain. But this is a big one.

I prayed fervently tonight that God would heal me of my anger towards this young woman. Won’t you pray with me? I know I am “supposed” to forgive her but that can only come after my healing I think. Or is that that through forgiving her I am healed even further, perhaps both… please pray with me that my heart will soften, the anger will be healed and eventually I can forgive.


11 thoughts on “Boxes

  1. Elise says:

    Oh, Father. I know you are already aware of Stacey’s pain. You’ve seen the boxes she keeps stored away. You long for her to be able to let them go. And you <>know<> it is painful. You created her, you know that the human heart has limits, where Your’s does not.Give Stacey a measure of your love, Lord. Overflow her heart with compassion, and most of all, peace. Give her eyes to see the room that is taken up by these boxes, and how much more love and compassion she will have to give as you systematically walk her through the pain of forgiveness. For it <>is<> pain, and it destroys the fruit you have lovingly grown in Stace’s heart.Father, she is broken. You know this. Please do your marvelous work in her and <>heal<>. Miraculously.In Jesus’ name, Amen.Love you, Stace.

  2. jtcosby says:

    Stacey, You are an amazing woman to even be standing after all of this…I pray your heart be released of ANY anger and in its place a peace that trascends all understanding. We can’t do this life alone…it has taken me my entire almost 33 years to REALLY figure this out.Love,Tamara

  3. Amy says:

    One of my very best friends just recently went through this type of situation in March. She’s still dealing with anger. She’s especially angry that she’s still angry…does that make sense? I will pray for you, Stacey!

  4. Michelle Finsand-Peacock says:

    (((((Stacey))))) Praying, sweet sister in Christ! I started reading your blog shortly before the truth about Zachary came to be known and my heart aches for you and your family. The Lord is getting you through it bit by bit, as you know.I love your “picture” of boxes, that is perfect. I, too, have boxes. I think I will look at it that way in order to work on healing, as you are.Thank you for sharing your life with us. We are blessed to know you!

  5. Katy says:

    What a wonderful way of looking at life, boxes. I am sooo sorry what happened with Zachary. I am not totally sure what happened..but i think i am getting the idea. I will have to go back and read some more of your blog to find out…but i see it has caused you a great deal of pain. I am so sorry someone toyed with your heart in such a way and I pray that you can be healed from the pain and remember that all things happen for a greater good and you will be brought through this trial and blessed! xoxo

  6. Anonymous says:

    Stacy,Words seem to be so trivial at times like these. I know that music is dear to your heart (as it is mine) and thought of the song ‘Blessed Be Your Name’ came to mind as soon as I read your entry…especially the 3rd verse. I sing that song alot and will lift you up in prayer as I lift my voice to the Lord.May He hold you in his arms of love and may YOU rest in him, trusting in his healing, however long it will be.I love you sister!Caz

  7. Anna says:

    you’re doing it stacey. get it out, write it, sing it, whatever it takes…acknowledging it is medicine & helps heal. it’s layered like an onion so it takes a while. praying for you and your family.

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